Argument Clinic

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Argument Clinic is a famous Monty Python sketch written by John Cleese and Graham Chapman. In the sketch, a man goes to a receptionist and says he wants an argument. He is sent to Mr. Barnard, who spends his time insulting customers and explains that his office is for abuse, not argument. The man then enters the next office to meet Mr. Vibrating, who says he already told him he’s in the right place for an argument. They begin a long, silly back‑and‑forth filled with tiny, petty contradictions. They argue about what counts as an argument, whether the man paid enough, and whether Vibrating is arguing in his spare time. The scene ends with interruptions from the “police” and more chaotic, farcical bits, finally breaking the sketch into a jumble of who is arguing and who is not.

Other rooms in the clinic add to the humor: a room marked “Complaints” where the man in charge is busy complaining about his shoes, and another with “Spreaders” offering useless lessons about being hit on the head. The sketch closes as comic chaos erupts with pretend police stepping in to arrest everyone for being in a confusing sketch.

The joke is a spoof of consumer culture: you can buy almost anything, even an argument. The piece plays on language and logic rather than real thinking. Cleese and Chapman were influenced by music hall and the Goons, and one line about an argument comes from the Oxford English Dictionary.

The sketch first aired in The Money Programme episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus in 1972 and appeared on the audio record The Monty Python’s Previous Record. It has been performed many times in live shows, including the 1980 Hollywood Bowl, the 1989 Secret Policeman’s Ball, and the 2014 Monty Python Live (Mostly) performance with Terry Jones in Chapman's place.

It’s often cited as an example of how not to argue: mostly ad hominem and contradiction, not real reasoning. It’s also used in teaching to discuss English grammar and sometimes philosophy. The idea behind it even shows up in popular culture, such as a reference in the Python programming language and in TV shows like House.